What the hell was I thinking back in 2009?

Sometimes, I joke that I've "done it all" and a brief look at one of my more comprehensive resumes will tell you that I'm not really joking.

And then I woke up one day and realized that I fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book.

Now I can joke "I did a brief year stint in a cult" and it's not that funny, more cringe-worthy in hindsight, but i will still crack jokes about it.
I was part of LTD (Leadership Team Development) from August '09 to December 2010. Did I hit any pin levels? No. Because I still had a life.

I realized it around October when I wasn't as "teachable" as they'd have liked, because a) I like doing things on my own, and b) my reluctance for "reaching out to people" was because I felt like I was running my own badly-built scam. Seriously, I can manipulate people better than this and you're telling me the system works? (Proof or it didn't happen. Stock reply: Listen to more CDs.)

WTF was I thinking?

I started thinking about it really hard in November, when I looked through my last two years of bank statements and saw my dismal results before checking off the "well, less than 600$ and I don't have to report it" tax loophole. One with which I am intimately acquainted. (See, I can properly construct a sentence. I just don't want to.)

I'll start this off by saying that it's not Amway I had the problem with, it was LTD, and I'll admit to being completely blind to the fact until I noticed the trend of "we're not allowed to talk to the Diamonds, we're not worthy."

1) Money: It's pretty much a financial black hole. I've invested over $1,500 into that mess and saw a $250 return. Oh, Nattie-dearest, as smart as you like to think you are, sometimes, you're an idiot. A cute idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.

2) Culture: Darling upline, if I just talked to a TV celebrity in the elevator, who even offered to buy drinks for all of us, why the fuck am I not allowed to talk to a "Diamond"? Last I checked, talking to Christopher Maloni was more awesome than talking to Alan (my own upline Diamond). Alan's an asshole and it's not because I'm not worthy. No, he's just an asshole and his downline Platinum, Dave, isn't much better. This is coming from the girl who asked the Bengal's coach, Marvin Lewis, "who are you" when sitting next to the Marvin Lewis Community Fund office, where his pictures are on the walls. I don't care who you are, you're human. (Stock reply: Listen to more CDs. Can we tell who was reluctant to get onto CEP?)

3) Handlers: "Consulting upline" was their way of saying "we're sure you have no idea what to do, so ask for guidance with EVERYTHING and we'll judge your route appropriately." Dave pretty much hyperventilated when I told them my plans before he told me that it wasn't a wise idea. In hindsight, no, it wasn't, but I needed to get it out of my system and my "handlers" weren't going to stop me. (Stock reply: Don't mess with your upline's honey, money, or ego. But I ignored that last one because my sponsor was younger than I, my junior through the last seven or so years of schooling, and I'm entitled, especially if he swims into a wall of his own accord.)

4) INVEST: Invest in your business. Invest, Invest Invest! ....*growls* And yet there was no return. I can invest in myself for a degree and oh look it, a DEGREE! I can get a BA in Management and Administration in 6 months, what can LTD do for me in 6 months? Make me go broke! By the way, "investing in your business" is awfully hard when you're unemployed. (Stock reply: Sell more products!)

5) Functions: Summit 2010, where they "celebrate" the crowning of the new diamonds. Given how much research my mother had me doing back in high school about cults, I should have noticed the red flags so much earlier. My expensive mistake. But they gave multiple spiels that all bore the same tune of "invest in yourself, invest in your business, read the books we offer (they're handy for sales), listen to the CDs (that gets expensive quickly), you don't need TV (wait what? I mean I can't harass Zack Bagans anymore, that's just not done), you don't need music (Natasha's mind comes to a screeching halt as she functions on music), family can wait (red flags all over the field), that can all come later, and sing along to songs we hope you don't know because you don't have time for music (You turned Chumbawhumba's "Tub Thumping" into a business tune, are you fucking kidding me?). And on, and on, and I knew I was done with the entire function when I started reading fanfic on my blackberry, which should have been turned off, but I'm a rebel. (Stock rely: Make your dream bigger.)

7) Weekly meetings: I actually enjoyed these, making them a practice in a) looking interested, and b) dressing pretty. Did I learn anything? Nope, those LTD notebooks are chock full of written smut. And I got to make a 250$ tax deduction for expenses. ;) What? I did make some money.

8) Discipline: Getting screamed at by my "Platinum upline" when I realized that my sponsor and wife were in the car with his upline and bride, thus leaving me on my own, in Louisville, KY during function traffic. Not because I was alone, but because I didn't consult upline or offer anyone else a ride. Ass, I'm paying for that 20 gallon gas tank, you sure as hell aren't. Shove off. (Stock response: There wasn't one. I was visibly rattled and there was no amount of wifey-consoling the brides could do to abate this.)

9) Positive Thinking: Positive, positive, positive. ...(Asshole.)

10) Cutting out Negativity: The final straw. They wanted me to cut out my friends and family, because I had friends and family in "the business". Abso-fucking-lutely not. (Stock reply: "Are you okay?")

So come December 31, 2010, I let the Scott IBO ship sink to the bottom of the Amway Ocean and have never been happier. Sponsor seems to think that I was wavering for a while and knows I was not coming back willingly. I later told him the exact white lie of a reason I let the ship die.

I'm a terrible IBO. Better customer.

Which is a big fat lie, but since the CIA clearly doesn't want me, I can safely say, I applied to the CIA (that application was a bitch) and I refuse to be affiliated with people I could just as easily get stuck for treason.


TL;DR If anyone calls you asking if you'd like to make some extra income part-time, politely tell them, "Thanks, but no thanks" or call me and I can probably tell you some questions to mess with them. And reach out to the person who they said gave you their name, before they're in too deep. Please. Don't go ballistic, but be concerned.